More Questions than Answers
Tonight is the 2 year anniversary of the first time I came to Florence, Italy. The start of when everything changed. I have been meaning to write a blog about my experience as a full time student at the Florence Academy of Art ever since leaving my corporate job and the life I thought I was supposed to live. But tonight is the first time I’m writing anything formal. I have been writing a journal, to try and hold onto the experience that I know is so unique and powerful – as Per Elof, one of my teachers, said tonight, no one can go through an experience like this and not change.
So starting now, I will begin to capture some of what this experience feels like. Let’s start with dinner, and my momentous achievement this weekend.
At dinner tonight, with Lonnie and Stefan, two close friends from art school, and my teacher Per Elof, we talked, deeply, about what this experience means – being an art student, and where it might take us, and me, specifically. I shared my story – how I found myself here in Florence in the first place, and where I think it is leading me. This is a hot topic for me, as I like to “know” what will happen, how things will unfold. But this time, at this point in my life, I truly have “no idea”. Of course I have some thoughts, but I feel like everything is open, everything is an option.
Tonight we talked about bravery. We talked about courage. I was brave to break from the definition I felt society was dictating to me, of a life well lived. It is a question I have been thinking about for some years. What does it mean, to live a life “well lived”. Of course it depends on each person. And how that person defines a “well-lived life”. But most importantly, it requires an active thought process to come to that decision. It’s not going to happen by itself. I realised, in October 2016, that I needed to do something drastic to figure out what a “life well lived” meant to me, because even though I didn’t know what my definition was, I knew the life I was living was not it.
I didn’t like the idea of looking back at my life one day and knowing I didn’t create a life I truly wanted. That I’d let life happen to me, let others, or society, lead my decision-making. I’d heard myself say I was “waiting for my life to begin” and I felt frustrated and impatient with how I was spending my time, like I was wasting it, without a real plan. I didn’t feel like I was living each day with excitement, intention, focus. Yes, I was motivated, and I did find my work intellectually challenging and stimulating, but I didn’t feel passion. I didn’t feel my heart engaged.
This weekend pushed me to put a definition down. Finally, for the first time, I began to create my very own website. This is momentous because I have not truly considered myself an artist. Not before, not even now. And yet, I’m creating a website with the express purpose of communicating to the world that I am an artist. And not just “an artist”, but what kind of artist? What kind of work do I create, or want to create? Why am I in Florence, Italy, studying painting full time? What does all this mean?? And how does it tie into my desire to live a life well lived?
Well, I can say, proudly, I feel like I’m starting to form some strong ideas. At dinner tonight I was able to articulate these ideas (just what I need for my website!). I love art (love!), and creating art, because it connects me to what it means to be human, and in turn, my art I hope will help others connect to their own humanity. To help each person, and myself, understand what it means to be a human on this earth. And also, to connect us to each other, to humanity as a whole. I find myself losing myself when looking at paintings of portraits, and beautiful landscapes. These are the types of works that inspire me, and I love creating. I heard myself speaking with passion tonight. I can feel it, inside of me, when I connect with something I deeply care about. It’s exciting. It’s thrilling. And it’s scary!
I don’t know where this passion will lead… But I believe if I can imagine it, I can create it. The most important first step is to imagine it!
What’s hard for me to figure out right now, is whether and how my past experience working in Change Management Consulting and Human Resources will be part of this future, and if so, how. Stefan quoted a beautiful poem to us tonight – by Rainer Maria Rilke, written in 1875. I think it tells me for now what I need to know.
“I beg you, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.”
Footnote: In large part thanks to the many connections and conversations I have made at my art school, I have been talking about what it means to be an artist, what it means to live a life of purpose and passion, ever since I moved to Florence. And I’ve even created a forum where we can come together to discuss topics just like this, in-depth, in my biweekly Artist Salons – more to come on this in future posts.