What Kind of Artist Do I Want to Be?
I had a powerful conversation with my close friend Denise tonight. Denise completed the three-year FAA program (she graduated last June) and was my first friend at FAA. I asked Denise for advice about how to approach the third (and final) year of the painting program. I begin the third year in a week. I have been feeling a lot of fear, trepidation and anxiety (yes, anxiety! Even though I’m no longer in a corporate job!!) about the start of this new school year. I was with my second-year teachers for four trimesters (I only completed two trimesters with the first year teachers), and somehow the expectations for Third Year seem higher. Everyone looks like they work so much harder than in the first and second years, have even less time than before, and invest many extra hours on the weekends to complete projects (still lifes, self portraits) in shorter and shorter periods of time.
I just haven’t felt ready. I don’t even know how to prepare, to make myself feel ready!
Denise gave me excellent advice (I hope!). She said, think about the type of artist you want to be. Let the third year be the time when I get to practice the types of paintings I want to create – the style of brushstroke, the subject matter, define and refine my aesthetic. It’s a safe space to try things out and have guidance along the way. Don’t let the teachers decide for me. Know what I want to get out of this. (Funnily enough, that’s exactly what I was talking to my sister about on her recent visit to me in Florence. As professionals, we also need to be clear about our own personal goals for growth and development. Without these personal goals, who knows what direction a company or a role may take us. With a little bit of thinking, defining and planning, a company and a role can give us exactly what we want. But we will only know it’s what we want, if we have defined the “want” in the first place!)
OK. Great! But there is only one hitch. What kind of an artist DO I want to be? I don’t know yet! I am still struggling to feel comfortable with the word “artist” being applied to me! This has been part of my trepidation over the last few weeks. Am I an artist? What do I want from this intensive training? Where is it leading me?
I found the final trimester of second year more challenging than any trimester previously and I have started to lose faith in the path I set myself on, when I left my corporate job two years ago. My acupuncturist asked me whether I am losing faith because I am finding it hard, I am not enjoying the experience, or because I don’t know where the training is leading me. I said, all three! She said, one will be stronger than the others… So I thought again and decided it’s because I have found it so difficult. I have not felt able to accurately depict something from life. This has prevented me from enjoying myself and stopped me seeing where this might lead me. Why has it been so hard? Not seeing a way around issues in my painting, making the same mistakes over and over again (insanity, I hear you say…), not feeling confident in my drawing and hence spinning (as nothing in the painting I felt I could depend on, trust)… I realise I’m talking specifically here about the painting of my cast – Robespierre. I think, in short, he beat me! Well, more accurately, the drawing of the cast beat me, as I never figured it out, and at no point did the drawing (the paintbrush strokes I was doing in paint) accurately reflect the real cast.
So where does this leave me? Well, with some work to do. Denise motivated me. She has helped me see again why I began this training in the first place. I love to paint. I have ALWAYS loved to paint. There is so much beauty in the world I want to connect with, represent, share with others. But it’s not easy. This course is teaching me just how complex drawing and painting (and sculpture!) are. I need to take charge of my training (another clear link to my – any! – corporate experience!). Find artists I want to paint like. Styles I want to emulate. Discover, form, and define, my aesthetic. Find still lifes I admire, and then reconstruct them in the studio.
The most important question is asking to be answered.